How to Know if You’re Overanalyzing In Your Relationship

Woman thinking on a mountain next to hat

Is your mind is always running a race when your partner says or does something? You should keep reading.

Overanalyzing can be a crippling habit for a relationship because it indicates a sense of mistrust. And a lot of times, the individual doesn’t even realize they’re doing it. Constantly questioning your partner doesn’t allow them to feel confident about their position and role in your life, which can be frustrating and even bring about insecurities.

Whether you overanalyze internally or externally it will always affect the health of your relationship, so it’s important to watch out for these common signs.

Negatively is on Auot-Pilot in Your Mind

Let’s say you’ve met this great guy/girl and things are going great. You’re going out on dates, texting constantly throughout the day and building your connection. But one night he/she sends a text saying, “I can’t meet up tonight, I have to work.” Only, he’s never done this before so your mind starts racing. What does this mean? Is he/she still into me? Is he with someone else? Does he/she want to break up?

You have now built a narrative around one text message that most likely has no hidden meaning. Something may have come up and he really just needs to finish up some work. When our mind responds negatively to something sudden or a change in plans, it normally indicates that you’re over analyzing, especially if your partner has never given you a reason to not trust him/her.

You Start Acting According to Your Thoughts

Let’s continue that ‘working late’ scenario. Once you get that text, rather than responding with, “Sorry you have to stay late, let me know when you’d like to reschedule,” you start to get sad, you consult your friends on how to respond to this “heart wrenching” message you’ve received (hopefully they tell you to stop overanalyzing), you wonder if you should jump the gun and ask him if he wants to break up. If you both end up rescheduling, you may even start to act a bit distant, because you don’t know what to expect and you don’t trust that “I need to work late,” just means that he had to work late.

If you can’t take your partner at face value and believe that they mean what they are saying you’re over analyzing, which is normally tied to an insecurity.

Compliments Become Negative Statements

Even if they’ve assured you that there was no hidden mean behind what they’re saying. Let’s say he/she says, “You look good tonight babe,” and you automatically say, “you don’t think I look good all the time?” You’ve completely glossed over the fact that your partner is admiring you. And even after they’ve assured you that you are always beautiful/handsome, your mind still can’t let it go and that comes with follow up questions. “Why did you say I look good tonight? That must mean that I only look good tonight. Are you even attracted to me?”

If you can’t take your partner at face value and believe that they just wanted to let you know that you look good in that moment, you’re over analyzing what they’re saying, which is normally tied to an insecurity.

You Can’t Move On From a Past Statement or Situation That Was Discussed

Our mind often sticks to a statement or action that someone makes during a discussion or an argument. People say things in the heat of the moment or make statements that are misunderstood. I encourage clients to speak openly with their partner about how they feel in these instances. But I suggest that they do it in a calm nature when they are both open to receiving what one another has to say. This can bring along clarity because many times one person means something from a statement while the other hears it differently.

Now, if your partner has apologized and assured you that they did not mean to hurt you and explain their intention behind a statement, and you still can’t stop thinking about it, you could be over analyzing. You question whether you should have forgiven him/her, whether they were sincere. Your mind can’t stop racing and you’re thinking questions after question when really, your relationship should be built on trust.

You Minimize the Good and Maximize the Bad

You think of all the negative things he’s said about himself, and things that may have rubbed you the wrong way and relate them to something he just said. Everything good that he/she has done is out the window because you’re trying to make sense of something that your partner has already tried to clear up for you.

I’d like to stress that sometimes we’re don’t overanalyze and our gut does try to speak to us through warning signs in certain situations. But if you often find that your mind can’t stop racing and you have a hard time trusting your partner after they have tried to bring clarity to the situation, these are signs of overanalyzing. Something very simple becomes very complex and that’s often a sign of mistrust or insecurity within yourself. If they have been faithful and haven’t given you a reason to feel suspicious about their behavior, there’s another reason why you can’t stop thinking of one alternative reasoning after the other. In this case, I would suggest speaking to a therapist to uncover the root of your uncertainties. 

Learn how email can be another crippling habit in your relationship and how you both can work towards becoming more connected.


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3 Responses

  • Thank you so much for this article! This was one of the biggest issues I had in my relationship–I would never take the time out to accept things for what they were because my mind would always lead me to think that something was wrong. Part of this comes from bad experiences in past relationships, which led me to the assumption that something would happen that would hurt me excruciatingly in the end. I had to learn how to get out of my head and use wisdom to handle issues. Now, I always think the best of our relationship, which helps me to fight for it more.

  • I am a 51 yr old woman. I am a nurse and in the outside people think I have it all. I have entered into a relationship about 7 mos ago and I think I am over thinking and over analyzing. I dont want to sabotage this. I know a confident woman is much more attractive but I cant turn the negative thinking off in my mind. I dont know where it stems from as I had a wonderful childhood.

  • I agree with this article. However, I believe in my situation my husband is making me over analyze his words, actions and the whole marriage. Not totally on purpose well maybe not at first but I think he does so now. I have tried telling him what I need. (emotional) He gives me even more distance, zero compliments and you can probably guess, zero affection. He says I b**ch all the time. I thought I was telling him my feelings and how he makes me feel. I’m pretty much begging for his love. But he hears b**ching. I don’t know what to do anymore. I could keep typing with more details about what I over think but I know everyone has their own problems, so I’ll just keep my problems…. my problems. Have a wonderful July 4th. It’s my birthday today!!! I got to go put my fake smile on for everyone.

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